I haven't blogged in a long time. There are few reasons.
1) I haven't been ready. It just seemed pointless
2.) I've been very very busy.
On May 9. I woke up to a phone call Cassandra was in labor and I was headed to the hospital. Of course I was very happy. Baby Lathan was coming into this world. It was only a few hours in the day before Terry called. He had all the kids as my mom wasn't feeling well. A few hours later he calls again, this time to tell me my mom was being taken to the hospital by ambulance. If anyone knew my mom you know this means THINGS WERE BAD.
Here I was on the 2nd floor, my mom down in the ER. I knew she would tell me to stay put, that there wasn't anything I could down there and that Cass needed me. I prayed so hard that day, for mom, for me, for Cass, for Terry, for Dad, for everyone... FOR A MIRACLE
Early evening/late afternoon baby Lathan came into this world, he was perfect, a cute little bundle of joy. I got things together there, and went as quickly to the ER as my legs and elevator could. There I learned my mom was to be taken to the ICU. I saw her on this bed, tubes going everywhere and I felt like a little bitty girl all alone. Lost because my mom was dying and I knew it. I wasn't ready. I wanted to scream. I was afraid, my heart hurt, my lungs felt tight. I didn't understand. I prayed again. I called my friend and told her I needed her to please drive me home. I went to ICU and saw my mommy. I talked to her, and she knew who I was. She signed to me to help her clear her throat. I cried. I went back downstairs to the 2nd floor and there I sat in the hall curled up in a ball and let my tears of pure anquish come out. I cried for what felt an hour or more, Several people stopped, others walked by. I didn't care. My life had just turned totally upside down. I went home and sleept only a few hours before the call came to come back quickly. We left. The day was blurry, I cried, I clung to those I loved. I screamed, I wanted to hit, run and yell. It wasn't fair. WHY MY MOMMY????????????
Late that afternoon, my mommy went to Heaven and all that was left was all of us, just like that. Nothing mattered, she was gone out of my life forever. How was I to tell my precious babies that their grammy was gone and that she would never come back. HOW????
So you see my life the past few months have been a day of questions after another. Everywhere I turn and look I see my mom. I am always saying somthing she taught me. She was my mom, but she was also my best friend. We did everything together. She help me teach my children. She was the one who listened to my flustrations. She was the Glue in our family and she was suddenly without warning ripped from our grasp. I have tried so hard to understand, but I don't. I hurt. I keep asking why is the meaning to anything?
I look to my kids and Anthony doesn't sleep, he curls up most nights on his grammy's pillow (we have been staying with my dad) and he stares at her picture. He doesn't totally understand I know he is lonely. The shared birthday's and a special deep bond. Alex is scarred to be left anywhere. He is afraid something else will happen. Avery my sweet baby thankfully doesn't understand except that grammy went away and we can't go see her even to visit. Baby Valarie, how it pains me. She started taking a few steps just a few months ago and is practically running after her bubba's. My mom never saw that. She repeats almost everything you tell her, and she is so smart. And when she smiles at you she looks just like my mom, her eyes, her smile, her little face, and I cry because mom can't see how much my only baby girl looks like her.
I've taken over different roles now. I help my dad with budgets, phone calls. I'm trying to figure out how to be teacher my boys. How to be a wife and mom when I feel as if 1/2 of me is gone. I'm learning how to put things back Right Side Up. I take each day as it comes. Good, bad or indifferent.
I fight with those around me, I laugh with them, I cry with them. I want to run, I want to stay. I want to turn back time and change everything.
I am learning to survive.......
I am learning to live when I don't want to.....
I am learnng to lean on others.....
I am learning how to laugh and smile and not feel quilty....
I AM LEARNING....
Mommy 4-8-1948 to 5-10-2009
My mom recieved the most precious gift on mother's day to see the face of her Saviour our Lord Jesus Christ. I am happy for her, I am sad for me and for those her still on earth who are missing her so desperatly and feel her abbsence so greatly in our lives. Lord be with us still as we grieve.
